Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I, James Cleveland, am a fucking asshole. :(

Ok so there was this bird that has been keeping me up for weeks by going next to my window. So I think to myself "well animals die every day so I can eat sausages etc etc, it can't be wrong to kill a bird". Surely its a bit hypocritical - if I can't live with killing a bird myself, why do I even deserve to eat meat?

Obviously I want to avoid suffering and I don't want to end a life, so I gave it a week to shut up. Woke up at 6 yesterday, took a few shots (missed, my air rifle is crap), it buggers off.

Anyway, so I wake up this morning at 10 (it didn't wake me up) but then I hear it chirping so I get my rifle out, it flutters off. Go into the bathroom to warm up water for shower and see it flutter back and start its annoying ass chip again.

So I'm thinking "Hurrah! Time to kill the cunt!", run to my room, grab my rifle, shoot once (miss, overcompensated for dip), second shot, direct hit. Force knocks it off of the gutter it was perched on, flutters for about 0.5secs then plummets. Second I saw it plummet I felt physically ill.

So now I'm torn. Have I hardened myself too much? Is it natural to be able to kill animals without feeling? Am I overdramatic and its just a stupid bird? Have I lost that little bit of softness that kept me a sensitive person?

Did the bird deserve it? I mean it didn't wake me up thismorning too Sad

Part of me just says its a stupid fucking bird, they die all the time and you've saved it the pains of old age, another part of me remembers when me and mum were helping the chicks back to their nest months ago so they didn't die in the cold.

Head. Fuck. Situation.

e: I keep getting the weird feeling the bird was a gift, too. Like waking up early is actually good for me (about 6-8am). Godddddddddddddddddddd

This could really change my opinions of things, it feels so weird, I just have to be reasonable...but rationality has never felt so cold. :/
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And yet I know I'm going to miss his stupid chirping, I'm going to wake up and be ashamed I've slept 'till 10 and haven't been woken up. I wish I hadn't done it.

I think I've just got to move on, and remember this in future.

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